This is a great mindfulness activity for any moment you notice your child being very quiet, agitated, or sad, or after an unwanted incident or behavior where he/she may feel shame or anger. For kids in foster care, this can be helpful after a parent visit.
This activity may be hard for you as a parent because your instincts may be to categorize feelings and emotions as good or bad, and to make an effort to remove, erase, help 'bad feelings.' This is a mindfulness activity for you too! Sit with your discomfort when your child has a feeling that you want to categorize and/or fix, and just let it be, without judgement and with compassion for yourself and your kiddo.
As mindful guides, we simply want to facilitate, listen, and create safety. Be patient with yourself and your child.
Parent Tip #1 - There are no bad feelings
Simple in concept, very hard in practice. Allowing a child (and yourself BTW) feel what they feel and just let it be is a very important part of mindfulness. When a child says, 'I feel really angry,' take a deep breath yourself so that you avoid responding with a 'fixing' response. Then make sure your child feels heard and safe to keep sharing and feeling.
Parent Tip #2 - You are not trying to fix anything in this activity
You will really want to make your child feel "better" when you hear sadness or anxiety or fear or anger. That's human nature. Instead, remind yourself that if you let the process flow, without fixing, you do two really important things:
You communicate to the child that nothing is wrong with them.
You leave the door open for them to learn more about their own feelings and that unwanted feelings will come and go, and they will be ok.
Just try it. If it goes a little (or a lot) rough, wait a day and try again. If you see significant agitation or a meltdown, stop the activity and focus on an anchor for soothing, like the breath or a stuffed animal or colors around them, or simply give space.
The Activity
Ok - you're ready! Imagine you're in the car after picking your kiddo up from school, and you can tell something is off. You can pull over if there is time, or simply make eye contact to the child in the mirror. Introduce the activity:
May I talk about how I feel with you?
This is a great way to make sure they do not feel on the spot at first. You going first makes it feel safer for them to share. A reply may be, "that's dumb," or "NO!" or "I don't want to talk to you!" Regardless of their response, keep going, gently but firmly.
I am having a feeling. [for younger kids] It feels sharp, and green, and big. Can you see it? [for older kids, teens] It feels like a big rock on my stomach, like I'm stuck and I cannot move.
Pause here. Let them process, and likely they will start thinking about their own feeling. They may not acknowledge you, or they may say "shut up!" or another response that shows their discomfort. Keep going, gently but firmly.
Do you feel a feeling right now? What does it feel like? Is it smooth or prickly, sharp or soft? Does it have a color?
Take this part slow, especially if they are silent. They are probably doing the work in their own head and that's ok. If they are shouting, you may take a break and come back to it in a few minutes. If you need to, you can anchor on something else, like the sights or sounds around you.
Whatever they say here, they are right. Do not push them if they say "I feel no feelings" - simply say, 'ok. well if you realize a feeling in a little bit, think about what size, shape and color it is.'
I think my feeling is in my stomach. Where is your feeling?
Same process here. Gentle, firm, accepting of whatever is said or not said.
I think my feeling may be worry. Do you know what yours is?
Same process here. Gentle, firm, accepting of whatever is said or not said.
Closing the Activity
Thank them for joining you in the activity. Share or remind that all feelings are ok. Perhaps, "you know what I love about feelings? All feelings are ok! No matter how we feel, that's just our minds and bodies experiencing things."
"Do you have anything else you want to share?"
"Do you have any questions?"
Depending on the situation, you may want to shake off the activity as it can be quite deep. You can do this if you're able by literally shaking out your arms and legs, playfully if you can. Or you can put on a song that you know they like and sing really loudly. Let them get the feelings out if needed.
Great job! Try this again whenever you see icky feelings around!
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